Here's a little blurb about my own discomforts and realizations along the way. When I am lost and struggling to find meaning in this twisting, sometimes chaotic life experience, I have to remind myself to return to art making. It's not always easy to express when doubt is creeping in and I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. The truth is, I do not know what I'm doing and no one does. I think we can feel like we have some control of some things in life, we can create stability but in reality there is something bigger happening and we are not in charge. Any time, I try to go against the current and fight what is, I get pushed back down and then, eventually I remember that all I have to do is to be, to simply go with the flow, the movement around me. I am a part of it. I am not different than all that is around me. I am connected to it and it is connected to me.
So last night, I began to make art after a decent period of not giving myself the space and time to make and be creative. I finally sat with myself and I felt something shifting, something alive waking up. I didn't really like what I made. It didn't feel like "good art" but it was raw and it was me. I went to the bathroom and noticed a little bug, actually a scarab beetle. This symbol of the Egyptian scarab beetle has held important meaning for me as a symbol of transformation and the creative intelligence and eternal force that lives within all of us. Seeing this little guy resting on a washcloth last night, felt like a message, a reminder that I'm not alone and I can trust who I am and what is happening. I still have nothing figured out and feel a bit twisty but I am reminded to remain present and continue to follow my intuition and trust where I am at without judgement and harshness. Basically, I am allowing myself to surrender, forgive myself for getting hooked, and to just let go. In that space, there is a freedom.